Today I went into the city (Boston, that is) the earliest in the day I've gone in a while. Looking for part-time work, because the freelancing isn't quite cutting it yet. My commute took me on a roller coaster ride of trivial emotions, or semi-emotional trivialities, if you prefer. So I guess it was more of a Kiddie Coaster ride, in that sense. Or even a Tilt-A-Whirl, because those rides make me sick, and it's a bit nauseating how much of an effect modern alienated society can have on one.
Let's populate this ride with concrete examples. Rather than taking a bus, I walked the half hour to the T station. The brisk, fresh air and morning sun had a pleasant effect on me. On the other hand, with snow still covering the sidewalks in front of the Von Trapp estates on Adams Street, I had to cross the road several times. Walking against traffic, I feel the need to avoid eye contact with drivers on this long, wide road - a hangover from Austin - those times when I feel like I'm the only one walking, that I should be driving this road, and that I'm isolated because I'm on foot. But then a group of girls jogging in my direction... but still not fully awake, I awkwardly step aside, though it's completely unnecessary. Avoid eye contact with them too.
At Quincy Station, I arrive just in time for the train. Good. But I get on it with a group of - no other way to say it - douchebags, male and female. One guy in particular, continually mimicking the driver's announcements ("Doors will open on your left"), at every stop, every utterance at top volume level, heard throughout the train - "fawkin'" this, "those faggots" - incessant trash talk, inescapable for the rest of us, the other passengers. The type of guy who will compliment you on an unusual item of clothing, but snicker to himself with the superiority of boisterous narcissism. And he's so loud that I can't even concentrate on reading the paper. Plus some other guy sits down right next to me, in an otherwise empty row of seats. He's crowding me, and I find it completely unnecessary. O bother!
But okay. Make the Red-to-Orange transfer in fine time - but only by avoiding a guy who just wants "ten seconds" of my time for a survey or a donation to the only charity that matters - and I'm at my place of interview. Then it's the furtive glances, trying to find the right floor, the right room. Being an outsider, but trying not to look like one. Orientation is such a challenge! But I get to the right room and, although the two pages of my outdated resume (which I hadn't thought I would need) are stuck together (victims of water damage), I find myself talking naturally, quite at ease. Words come out of my mouth rapidly, but they all seem to make sense... how often does that happen to me at job interviews? A pleasant, quick one. End with a smile.
Good. I know my way out of the building now, and I'm back on the train. A couple stops later, an old lady and two middle-aged women get on the train. The old one sits between me and the door, the other two stand next to her. I hesitate - a definitive subway etiquette does not exist, and I usually find it easier to feign ignorance of my fellow passengers - but seeing that the three women are talking together, I offer my seat to one. She's quite happy, I'm happy, and any perceived tension has been defused.
Getting on the Red Line, some dufus starts walking onto the train before any one has gotten off, blocking their path. But then, a quite large man gestures for me to get on in front of him, out of politeness. Thank you, kind sir. But then... the ever-present question of eye contact looking out the windows on the long train ride back to Quincy. But then, at Quincy Center, no rush to catch a bus (I will walk back home too), so I'm whistling Dixie. But THEN, the snowy sidewalks, and the oncoming traffic....
...Avoiding eye contact, getting in the way, trying to get out of the way, where to stand, where to sit, how to act, how to live, and on and on and on....
What's the solution? There are some people that believe that when we eliminate the hallmarks of our alienated society - consumption, spectacle, idolatry, the media behemoth, representative politics, etc., etc. - we will eliminate its symptoms and results... like social anxiety, public isolation, boredom in daily life, crushing crowds, and so on and so forth. I think that I count myself among the believers in that theory (however vaguely I just summarized it), that I am starting to work toward said elimination, and that I would like to do much more in that realm. In the meantime, when I do find myself out in this cold world (so to speak), if I can remember to borrow an idea from the Buddhists, I feel much better about everything.
Just to know that I am breathing.
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